Monthly Archives: September 2013


For a minute there, I packed my stuff and went over to BLOGGER.

That site is nice and money can be earned for views.

But, WordPress has such cleaner formatting and I don’t have the viewership to earn income.

So, I’m staying here. And I’m fine with a small audience,

Hey, at least I have one. 


“Trying to Slim Down?”


I was out to dinner with my mother. We went to The Native New Yorker. It’s a hoppin’ place that has great burgers, sandwiches and darn good wings. We only been there once before. We sat in the bar. For Tuesday night, the place was pretty packed. But we found a nice table near the back and sat down.



Soon, the waiter came. I would say he was in his mid-30s. Right away, I could tell he had a sense of humor. I’m shy, so I don’t particularly want to be conversing back-and-forth with my waiter. Don’t misunderstand, I’m polite and everything.   I understand serving is a really tough job. But I don’t want to have long drawn out conversations.

We order our drinks: a coke for me, a Miller Light for my mother. The waiter notices our table is sticky and says he’ll be back and clean it right away. He does so, as my mother and I look over the menu. The restaurant has a very good selection of food. It’s one of the very few places in which I struggle to choose what to order. I noticed a bacon cheeseburger. However, I decide I can’t order that because if I do, my mother will say something about my weight.

I settle on the “Turkey on the Rye.”


It’s a better alternative, and there is absolutely no comment from my mother. She orders the Reuben. The waiter takes down our orders and comments that the food will be so good that he wants to sit down and join us. My mother and I nervously laugh and off he goes.

My mother and I make casual conversation as we wait for food. I don’t particularly like the bar for a couple of reasons. One, I’m not much for drinker. Two, I’m quite short and I don’t like the high-rise chairs or tables. But my mother enjoys a drink once in a while when she goes out to eat, so I’m happy if she’s happy.

Our food is brought out by a waitress. I see my mother’s Reuben. But, my sandwich doesn’t look quite right. I’m not one to send back my order. I don’t like confrontation and I don’t like making waiters or waitresses uncomfortable. There are couple very picky eaters in my family, and they always send their food back. So, I’ve grown accustomed to let little mistakes go by with no trouble. However, it’s the completely wrong sandwich. I’m very polite and tell the waitress that it’s the wrong sandwich. She apologizes and says she will go and fix it right away.

Our waiter comes by when he sees I have no food in front of me.

“Is there a problem?”

“But there was an error, they brought me the wrong sandwich.”

“I’m so very sorry sir. I must’ve written down the wrong order.”

I can tell he’s very embarrassed and feels bad about the mistake. It’s not my intention to make anyone feel bad and honestly, I have no trouble waiting for my food. I explained this to the waiter, everything is good, and I am happy to wait.

“Would you like a salad while you wait?”

I found this question quite odd. I didn’t anticipate waiting very long for my order, and I’ve never had a server pose this question when foods been wrong.

“No, no, no,. It’s quite all right, I can wait.”

“Ah, trying to slim down?”

I nervously laugh and tell him I’m fine waiting. The waiter says he’ll come back with my order’s ready.

It wasn’t until later that I actually realized what he said. I’m a bigger guy, and I wonder if his comment was innocent, a slip of the tongue – – – or if it was a jab at my weight. I really don’t know, but in thinking about it, I don’t think it was something he should’ve said. We are in an establishment that deals with food. Why on earth would you make a comment about a person trying to slim down? The waiter might’ve made an innocent comment, not trying to hurt my feelings.

But needless to say, I went home feeling ashamed. Do you think the comment was out of line? Should comments of eating less or more be made in a restaurant?

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Big Brother 15: The Dreadful Final Three

Well, here we are.

Big Brother 15 is about to end. The final three has been decided, and fans everywhere are saying it’s the worst final three in history. Personally, I’d have to agree. This reminds me a lot of season nine. That final three consisted of Sheila, Ryan, and Adam. I was rooting for Sheila. But when she left, I didn’t really care who won because I didn’t particularly like the final two. Ryan was a blah of a person and Adam was like the really drunk guy you met at the bar.

Let’s break down season 15’s final three and talk about each player individually:



Let’s talk about Spencer’s game for a moment. I’ll be the first to admit, I don’t know everything there is to know about this game. However, I am a devoted viewer. And I would call Spencer a floater. By my definition, a floater is someone who sleeps most of the time, does not particularly win competitions, and is not particularly loyal to any one person.  (And game talk is far and in between.) Now, I realize that Spencer was in The Moving Company and is currently in The Exterminators. However, the moving company fell apart and Spencer was most arguably the most expendable member. He didn’t win HOH until a few days ago, and he’s only won one veto. I will be talking about the exterminators later. But, in short, Spencer truly has not done much in the game. While he was on the block for eight times, he was kept around because he was a floater.

Now let’s talk about Spencer as a person. Spencer does have good qualities. I’ve seen them. There are little moments where you see a gentle human. The best example I can give, is Spencer’s HOH blog. Within that blog, Spencer emerges as an articulate, intelligent, and kind man. So we know he isn’t all bad. But, it is hard to forget his child porn joke, exposing himself while walking down the HOH stairs, and talking about how he would love to trap Elissa in a room and kill her. I could go on, but you get the point.  He’s mainly just awful and him winning would be a huge tragedy.



GM is an interesting case. Early in the game, she was besties with Aaryn. Along with Kaitlin, the three became known as the big brother mean girls. GM was second in line with the racist comments. Commenting that Helen should do her nails, Candice was already on the dark side because she was dark, and who could forget GM claiming she had “N…” Insurance.

For a good while, GM was hated outside of the house. However, she then began to exhibit moments of likability. She would have hearts to hearts with Helen, she wouldn’t lie to your face, and there was a certain kindness to the girl who loved the boy with the blue hat. Many laughed at GM’s breakdown when Nick got evicted, but I didn’t. You saw raw emotion from the woman. And a hateful person doesn’t ever exhibit that.

And just when you began to like her, her ugly side emerged again. As Candice walked out the front door, GM commented , “At least I got a mother that likes me…” (Candice is adopted, so this was a bash at that.)  Again, there are countless other examples. But you can clearly see the dilemma. Judd, a person clearly with no knowledge of the outside perception, is rooting for GM to win and said she was very loyal. And this is true. GM has been loyal to a fault. She has won competitions and she does do a lot of game talk.  It does appear that on some level, GM has had a very good game, considering. I would not call her a floater. However, if she wins, her initial negative comments will cause her to be the black sheep of the big brother family.



Here is where things are going to get a little tricky. When I saw Andy’s pre-season interviews, I loved him. I loved his energy, I loved his strategy plan, and he just seemed like a very nice guy. Now, apparently Andy has said very nasty things about Elissa. believe the nastiness of the others hasrubbed off on him. We have to remember he never said anything racist or homophobic. It is true he never spoke up for anybody, but I don’t think he has  ever bashed anyone except Elissa.I’m not excusing his behavior but we must remember she got a lot of help from production and she is the sister to a big Brother winner. I can see how her unfair advantage would get under people’s skin causing them to say nasty things about her.

Moving on, let’s talk about Andy as a floater. I hear a lot of people call him that. But I don’t agree. There are several definitions of this word but in my eyes he is not one. Andy is well-liked in the house. To me, if the majority of the house likes you, this means your social game is on point. Remember that montage of HG’s in the diary room? Six or seven HG’s said they felt he was trustworthy and on their side. You can get mad at Andy for playing every side there is to play, but I wouldn’t call that floating. And I will admit, I did not like this aspect of his game.  (I was on the rat train for a week.) But when I saw an overwhelming amount of criticism of his game, it made me angry. I thought about the situation more and my opinion changed. In terms of the competitions, he has won them when he needed. To me, that’s all fine and dandy.

Now, let me talk about the recently formed alliance. The Exterminators hasn’t been around long. I cannot remember Dan Gheesling’s exact words, but he also brought up the fact that the alliance was formed when virtually no one was left. When you take into account season 12’s alliance, The Brigade, was formed very early on— and those members stayed faithful until they absolutely had to turn on one another— The Exterminators sure seems like a “We’re the only ones left” kind of deal. How and when it was formed does not give it any points and it will not go down in history,

I personally believe this is a dreadful final three. But, this was the hand we were dealt, and we must live with it. And in my opinion, of the three available, I would say Andy deserves to win. And I know, there are people reading this angered at him for what he has said since Elissa has been evicted. I know it’s horrible. It’s not that we are to ignore that aspect, but we must look at the positive attributes he exhibits. Of the final three, Andy is the lesser of the evils and him winning would not be a total loss. I think GM or Spencer winning would certainly have much more dangerous consequences due to the really, really, really nasty things they had said.


Overall, I think we can all agree this was the worst season ever. I know every season someone calls it the worst season. But truly, we can all agree that finally we have had the worst season of Big Brother. Never before have we had such an awful group of people. There may be one or two bad apples in a cast. But this year, we had five bad apples. Six bad apples if you want to count Andy. With that many awful people it’s hard to enjoy the season.

However, even though this cast was a total flop, I do not want an All-Stars next season. I want casting to be reworked and reevaluated and newbies next year.

Now keep in mind, this is my opinion. I am a fan, just like you are. The difference in opinion is what makes the show fun. We all like different people for different reasons. I hope you can see my point of view just as I have seen others when it comes to Andy and so on and so on.

Who do you think deserves to win out of this dreadful final three?

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Drugs and Suicide: The Bitter End (Meeting Tyler #5)

My friendship with Tyler always had cracks. They’re easier to see now. They were always there. However, the cracks really began to show my second year of college.

Tyler had periods where he was distant and during this time, those periods were becoming more frequent. Finally, after asking about it, he revealed to me he had ventured into drug use. He had attempted to keep it a secret from me, but it was too much for him to hide. He told me he was only smoking weed. He told me it wasn’t dangerous and that it made him feel good.


Of course, I didn’t like this at all. He knew my stance on drugs and it made sense why he was keeping his secret from me. He would never admit it, but I knew the drugs were a coping mechanism. He was having trouble with his father, his job, among other things.

From that point on, the friendship went downhill faster and faster. We’d hang out, but he would be high. As time went on, he’d be higher each time. Some times, he’d giggle forever or he’d just want to watch tv and snack. Hanging out with him was boring as shit. But I didn’t have many friends, so I overlooked his flaws. But, it soon became too much to ignore.

Before long, I was covering for him. One time in particular, RACHEL, the girl he had been crushing on, made an unannounced visit to his apartment. “SHIT!” he said and ran into the bathroom. I followed him and watched as he placed drops into his eyes. He blinked and screamed, “Do they look clear? Fuck, what do they look like?” They were still red, so I told him I wasn’t sure. He rushed into telling me to stall Rachel and he slammed the door.

I let Rachel in. She was always polite. We hugged and she asked me how I was. I had to turn my acting face on and not let my panic show. “Fine! I’m great. It’s so good to see you!”

“Where’s Tyler?” she inquired. I stammered for an answer. But, right on cue, Tyler emerged from the hallway, wearing sunglasses. I couldn’t believe how dumb he was. I knew enough that sunglasses hiding bloodshot eyes was the oldest trick in the book.

Rachel giggled. “Sunglasses? Inside? That’s strange.” She said, giving Tyler a hug.

“I just found these bad boys… I had been looking for them forever…” He then removed the sunglasses… and his eyes were pretty damn clear.  Tyler was a masterful liar as this moment proved. He was convincing, Boy, did he ever dodge a bullet.

I was very angry with Tyler after that. I argued that he needed to tell someone, that he needed help… but it all went on deaf ears. Combined with my insecurity and my social anxiety, I began to crumble. I had relied on Tyler as my support for years by this point… and he was unable to fill that role. He was always high or drunk. And, I soon learned he had ventured into acid and other drugs.

By this time, I was an emotional wreck. My friend was no longer the guy I had first met and I was in a deep depression. Our friendship was very unhealthy at this point. Tyler would say things to me that scared me. He would say, “Who else are you going to hang out with?” and “I won’t be your friend if you tell anyone.” These sorts of comments increased.

I remember one particular night where he said the most chilling thing. I had texted him late in the morning and asked to see him. He had been my ‘therapist’ since the beginning and I was sick enough to still call upon him in his drug use. This night, he actually came. We met outside the dorm and sat on the bench.

I remember it was cold and I could see his breath. I’m sure he was high, but I’ll go ahead and say I think this was the most lucid I had seen him in months. He calmed me down like he had in the past and I was relaxed. He then said he had to go. I can now say I saw him wanting to leave as abandonment. I didn’t want him to leave. I wanted to hang out with him. So, I confronted him, saying he never called anymore. He never responded to texts. He never did this, that– He was not the old Tyler.

We were two sick people. I was a doormat and he was a manipulator. After I called him out, he began a monologue of hatred.

“You do realize I just came and talked to you… I just sat here and listened to you bitch and moan like you always do….”

In this moment, Tyler’s opinion of me mattered. So, as he went on, my emotions got worse and worse.

“You don’t do anything for yourself. You just drain me all the time… “

His words then took a more devilish turn:

“You need to know, I’m the only reason you have friends. People get so annoyed with you. But I stick up for you. I tell them you’re a good guy. I was the one that pulled you into the group. No one wanted you there. But I was the leader so they all did what I wanted.”

And then, he ended his tirade with the most evil, vile thing he could have said:

“You know I could make you commit suicide if I wanted too, right?”

Our friendship was still “in tact” a little after that. But, he never returned calls or texts. I would talk with Rachel and other people he knew. But no one could make him talk to me or resolve the problem. I went back and forth of trying to rationalize his behavior to wanting him to feel a lot of pain.

One night, after months of nothing, He answered his phone. I was so happy he answered but realized he was in no shape to talk. He was “shitfaced” meaning he was drunk and very high. He slurred his words, had long silences and eventually hung up on me.

I was pissed. Anger overtook me. I wanted his world to crash down and I was on a mission: I texted his younger brother. I was very dramatic in my text: You have to know, your brother Tyler has a secret. He’s been doing drugs for awhile. I think he needs help.

I never got a response.

A few weeks later, Tyler called me up. I thought, “Oh shit… I’m in trouble…” But, he wanted to hang out. He sounded sober. We went for a drive and grabbed some fast food. We had a nice talk and all seemed fine. He opened up that his life was chaotic right now and he apologized for “all the shit” that happened in the course of his use.

I thought about telling him I had texted his brother. But, it had been weeks and I figured his brother had shrugged it off…

Well, that was the last time I saw Tyler.

Obviously, his brother eventually talked with him. One day I called Tyler and I heard a message saying I had been blocked from calling the number.

For two years, I struggled with guilt and attempted to get a hold of Tyler. I wanted to talk with him, explain that I acted out of anger… I was sad for a very, very long time.

He made good on his threat. “You tell anyone I’m doing drugs, I won’t ever talk to you again.”

Looking at the situation now, Tyler was extremely abusive emotionally and he was manipulative. He knew not talking to me would drive me insane and it did cripple me for a long while.

As I think about him now, he is not a bad person. He is just very sick. His anger, his sadness— led him down a certain path of no return.

I can not claim my life is in perfect shape. But, I can say that I am taking steps to better myself and to live. I have bad days, still. But, I am no longer in a constant state of sadness.

While I haven’t heard from him myself, I sometimes hear through the grapevine about how he’s doing. I know his pain has increased and he does not know what to do with his life. And I also know that a majority of the people we both knew no longer talk to him.

Tyler took so much pride in being the most popular person in the room. As I think of what he told me that one night, how HE was the reason I had friends— and knowing he no longer processes the social power he once did— I smile.

I smile because my greatest fear was being alone. And after it all, I’ve maintained friendships with the people he proclaimed only spoke to me because it was his wish.

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